Ep 17: Messy Moments
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Perfectionist in Recovery
Messy Moments
Hello and welcome back to the Perfectionist in Recovery Podcast. My name is Marcy Parks, and I am a Perfectionist in Recovery.
I have a lot on my mind for this episode that I want to share today. In this episode I am going to share about the inspiration behind my new collection of work titled, “Messy Moments” coming in November, the relationship between perfectionism and shame, and how perfectionism doesn’t belong in parenting, but first, I want to say thank you! Thank you for being here and joining me for this episode and thank you for supporting my work and this podcast. I have received more feedback this week about the podcast and I am always so grateful to hear your thoughts and how this podcast is inspiring you, so if you have some feedback you would like to share, send me a message on instagram at @MarcyParksArt or go to my website at www.marcyparksart.com and submit your feedback through the contact form there! As you know, your feedback makes this podcast better for you to listen to, so definitely share your thoughts! And, if you are already enjoying this podcast and would like to continue to support it, like, share, follow, subscribe - do all the things on whatever streaming platform you are using and be sure to leave a review! Reviews are the best way to show your support and ensure the growth of the podcast!
Now, let’s get into it!
I have a new collection of small abstract works on paper titled, “Messy Moments” coming out on November 20th. I have always said of these little paintings that they make me think of what expletives would look like if we could see them when we say them. They are colorful, they are energetic, they are playful, and yes, they are a little bit messy.
That is because life is a little bit messy. The core of these paintings, as with most of my work, is inspired by the nuance of the human experience. Life is rarely neat and tidy, but that doesn’t mean the messy moments don't have their own unique beauty to them. In fact, I believe that the messy moments are the best and most beautiful moments because they are real and they are honest and the best of us comes from them.
I recently shared a conversation I had with a close friend of mine about messy moments. We were talking about parenting, clip charts commonly used in elementary schools, and shame. So, in case you are unaware, clip charts, or sometimes start charts, there are many variations, are a system commonly used in elementary schools by teachers, and even parents at home, to modify a child’s behavior. There is a list of names on display in the class and colored clips coordinating with behavior. Green clips are for good behavior, yellow clips are for behavior that needs improvement, and red clips are the no-go zone. Depending on how a child is behaving that day is what color clip they get. With the chart on public display for everyone to see, when a child is reprimanded and their clip changes color in front of everyone, not surprisingly, it can evoke feelings of shame in the child, which I am sure is part of what makes this system so effective.
And I want to pause here for a beat just to say that I am sharing this as another perspective on these charts. My intention is not to shame or blame teachers or parents using this system. Especially for teachers, I know, you are doing whatever you can to maintain order in your classroom and with little ones, that is a very fine and delicate line you are walking. I am more so sharing this as another perspective on how early the indoctrination into perfectionism starts.
But what happens next is children become obsessed with the color of their clip. Yes, they will shine with pride at being in the “green” all week, but they will also grow heavy with shame when they are unable to maintain that standard. I am afraid that what happens for children is that their self-perceived value and their self-worth becomes connected to the color of their clip. I wish instead we could teach children that it is unrealistic and impossible to expect themselves to stay in the green all the time.
And I am reminded of the conversation I shared with Brian Serway recently where he talks about a stretch of time where he was producing really great work and he was proud of every piece he was releasing, but he acknowledged that that isn’t sustainable, and when it comes to his artwork, that isn’t the norm.
We can’t expect to be in the green all the time. And this is exactly what I told my friend as we exchanged moments where we struggled to parent as our best selves. For me, it was sharing a moment when I was trying to get Searsha into her car seat. Searsha is three now and she is very, very strong willed and that is something I love about her, but on occasion her strong will is also hard to parent. Well, at this moment it was late, I was tired, she was overly tired and I was trying to get her into her car seat to go home. We had been at my mom’s house and were pushing it close to bedtime. All my usual tactics were failing. Usually, I can make it into a game where we race and see how fast we can get into the seat. She wasn’t into it. I gave her choices to climb in herself, or for me to help her into her seat. She wasn’t into that. I finally gave her a countdown for her to get in her seat herself, otherwise, I was going to put her in her seat. I ended up having to put her in her seat myself and neither one of us were happy about it. She cried the whole way home and cried for a while once we got home. I felt terrible and I wanted to cry about it. And of course, I was laying on the mom guilt and shame in my head.
But, Searsha eventually let me hold her and rock her, she eventually stopped crying, and we got to snuggle up at bedtime and talk about what happened. We talked about consent, we talked about safety, we talked about how we could do better next time, and we exchanged “I’m sorry’s” and “I love you’s”. It was a messy, messy moment, but what came after was communication, compassion, empathy, understanding, connection, accountability, and creativity. We were able to brainstorm and work together. I had the opportunity to demonstrate accountability for her and acknowledged the things I should have done better - like honoring bedtime and not keeping her out too late.
What I told my friend and what I am telling myself over and over these days is that we can’t be in the green all the time. Not as kids, not as adults, not as artists, not as workers, and definitely not as parents. What do we learn from being in the green all the time? What do our children learn from being in the green all the time? Nothing. Yes, we may have messy parenting moments where we fumble what all the parenting books tell us to do, but that is also the opportunity for your child to see what accountability looks like, what an apology looks like, and what being a human looks like.
And this is what my Messy Moments collection is all about. Those moments when life is really messy and not picture perfect, but we are better for it afterwards. When we take the time to sit with our mess and give attention to it and acknowledge it, we might even see the beauty in it. Beauty is made in the mess. Moments are made in the mess.
Journaling Prompt
If you have a journaling practice and would like a journaling prompt, or if you don’t have a journaling practice, but would like a prompt to help you get started, the journaling prompt I am sharing with you for this episode is:
Write about a recent messy moment you experienced. What did you learn from that moment? What beauty came from that experience?
Otherwise, that is all I have for you today! If you would like to kickstart your creative recovery, be sure to check out my Free Self-Discovery Journal Guide on my website! In the guide you will receive a journaling prompt to get you started, affirmations, and artist activities to help kickstart your creative recovery.
Until next time!
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